De La Whatever

De La Whatever: The Beginning

An incomplete work of inappropriate fiction based loosely on an idea wrought from the bowels of a childhood spent in small bodegas and large groups of Astroturf-wearing pygmies.

Disclosure: This is a work of fiction and is not intended for use in any way whatsoever to harm, injure, perjure, or persecute anyone involved unless the author deems necessary. If you are offended by said work or anything the author says hereafter, please feel free to tell all your friends about it. The author needs the publicity.

When shredded and played backwards through a zephyr this manuscript reveals the hidden meanings behind the “33” on Rolling Rock bottles, the secret ingredient in Span, who was actually standing on the grassy knoll, and Deep Throats alter ego.

The show starts an hour before curtain time when the audience walks through a maze of random useless stairs that don’t really lead anywhere and dark passageways with exposed light bulbs dangling overhead.
Entering what could be called and art room/barroom/coat-check/toiletry area/ cellar, the audience mills around for a while where they buy expensive drinks served to them by beautiful out-of-their-reach girls with bad foreign accents, and get whistled at and given directions to by weird looking people wearing the same clothes and nametags that don’t match. They hear a soprano voice wailing notes in the stratosphere over and over again and get lost in the bathroom where they can’t find the door they came in and they also get to listen to irate voices talk incessantly about Peepee/Caca jokes and hear a loud country-bumpkin voice yelling, “FEERRR—JIIINAAAAH.”
Twenty minutes before the performance begins, voices, and a viciously bad smell, emanate from the dressing room/men’s bathroom.
Peeking in, the audience sees everyone in a circle with their arms around each other in what would appear to be a chant.
T.A. says, “OK Motherfuckers let’s go.”
And the group talks about nothing important for a while.
Janey pipes in, “C’mon you guys are gonna be late.”
Mike says, “Mickey Spillane is in the house tonight with the backstreet Boys.”
Jason and Tor have a sweat fest over Carson, who is busy admiring his un-circumcised penis.
Rose and Ryan do inherently cite things at each other.
Marlin and Abbey stare deeply into each other’s eyes.
Amo and Marlyn make what they think is unnoticed sexual advances at each other.
Freddy makes a phone call to everyone he knows.
There is a knock on the door and everyone looks. Hallie enters and everyone sings, “Make room for Hallie, make room for Hallie.”
Trevor finally starts, “Naaaaaaa…..”
Tor simulates oral sex on Freddy.
“Miiiiioooooooohh”
Carson says, “Jason’s a…”
“Hooooooooorreennn…”
Freddy says, “Carson is…”
“Gaaaaaaayyyyyyy”
Tincho stares quietly at his shoes.
“Qioooooooo”
Hartzell sways drunkenly on tiptoe, eyes shut.
“Naaaaaa…”
Brenden pops his head in and mutes everyone magically and says, “Five minutes”
“Miiiioooooooh”
Oyzon and Mike break into dissonant harmony. Tor applauds.
“Hooooooorrrreeeeennnnggaaaaayyyy”
Pacile grunts. Rose bounces and giggles.
“Qiiiooooooo”
Hallie breaks off into the middle, shaking wildly and pulling her skirt up, flashing her flowery panties. Everyone stares incredulously for a full ten seconds then breaks up and finishes the next verse in raucous laughter. Carson slaps many women on the ass. They break up and exit.

Papel I

The audience enters into a large room that is completely white except for the ceiling which is a kind of checkered black and gray.
There is a bright spotlight in one corner of the room and loud white noise emanates from speakers seemingly located in the floor.
For fifteen minutes the audience files in to the “theatre” and then the lights dima dn the music gets louder and then the lights get louder and the music dims and overhead a female voice is heard saying, “Emil, what the Fuck are you doing? Here let me do that. Chris, count it down again.”
The lights snap off and the music fades to a slow rumble before the audience is picked clean of all valuables by the crew, dressed entirely in black with ski masks and name tags. Then a laser pointer makes funny patterns on the ceiling overhead and random shouts are heard along with animal noises, loud guttural sounds, catcalls, slapping sounds and thumping from above.
When all subsides, a voice from above shouts, “T.A. T.A. T.A.”, “Salga de la agua” and “Puta que te barria!” and other non-sensical catchphrases in broken spanglish and, accompanied by kissing noises, pictures flash in rapid succession on the ceiling consisting of people kissing, farm animals, Bruce Lee, Jason and Freddy, clad in G-strings and tube socks flexing their muscles, and finally a picture of the Great Paul Stancato with a large red circle with a line through it running over his face.
The pictures cease and the audience stares at the ceiling in expectation for about five minutes of silence.
They shuffle their feet in barely suffused anger/patience.
One or two of them shout random phrases at the ceiling.
Someone, a male voice, shouts out, “Stop touching me.”
The audience snickers, and waits.
Finally, the music starts and a shadow is projected on the ceiling, SW. It is of Freddy and he is curled in a fetal position sucking his thumb.
The music continues under as Freddy changes to the shape of a young boy discovering why he is different than girls.
Suddenly small silver balls rain down on the ceiling and careen around wildly.
The audience gasps. Two girls faint.
SW, Freddy flips around and plays the game, “Where else can I stick my finger?”
He farts loudly.

Jason soars directly overhead and appears to have a conniption.
Strange bells and whistles are added to the music.
SW, Freddy is performing his signature “flailing limbs” move when he is jerked hard towards the boards and Carson is heard saying, “Hey, that’s my blue suit. Fuckin’ Freddy man, give me back my blue suit.” And Freddy disappears.
More silver balls and a few odd marbles roll around the ceiling.
The audience laughs uneasily.
NE, Oyzon appears wearing his trademark smile. His hair stands perfectly erect. He spins slowly.
Rose passes overhead, S to N, with her trademark smile and dangling arms. She flies back S, and when she reaches the boards we hear her loud laughter echo over the music. (She is obviously laughing at Freddy who is now naked, and Carson, who is putting on his suit.)
Mike appears in the SW corner in his popular expanding Penis shadow.
Jason flies directly overhead and appears to be flailing in pain.
SW, Mike’s expanding penis shadow reaches its apex and he subsides.
NE, Oyzon spins. Faster.
More Silver balls, marbles and ping-pong balls careen around the ceiling wildly.
Brooke, filling in for Rose who decided to “watch” the show, flies in a wide arc across the ceiling, S to N. On the way back she appears to be going backwards.
Carson now appears in the SW corner and, thinking the show will start over because HE wasn’t ready, goes into his fetal position.
NE, Oyzon elevates. And spins.
Silver balls, marbles, ping-pong balls and pool balls wrack around the ceiling bouncing wildly.
Jason flies out from the music in writhing agony and flies back in a classic Fosse pose complete with splayed fingers, bowler hat and cane. He completes his flight with a, “Hotcha!”
Hartzell inadvertently shouts, “Skidoo!” followed by Hallie with a, “Whopee.”
SW, Carson, realizing the show is not revolving around him, comes to his senses and, not knowing where the show is, rapidly goes through all of his beginning poses in rapid succession, at one point bouncing his head off the boards and screaming, “Sonas, show me your sonas!”
Silver balls, marbles, ping-pong balls, pool balls and bowling balls bounce on the ceiling in time to the music.
S to N, Marlyn flies across and catches a ping-pong ball, a pool ball, and a golf ball and tosses them to Tor who begins to juggle them with Amo who is juggling a chainsaw, a paperweight and his motorcycle.
Marlyn flies back, N to S and catches a baseball in her teeth.
NE Oyzon smiles.
And spins.
Mike, who has replaced Jason, whom monica took out of the show because she thought he was seriously ill, flies out from the music, pauses in mid-air to adjust his tie, and flies back in the shape of Robert Goulet.
SW, Carson whispers to Pacile who is pulling his line that he needs to be lower so the audience can see how great he is. Pacile, not understanding, pulls him in.
NE, Oyzon spins and, sliding down from the top of the rope, Amo joins him in their strange slow dance.
Joanne, making small bird noises resembling the southwestern Auk, flies about in the center, not knowing exactly what to do.
Abby flies out and rescues her.
NE, Oyzon and Amo disappear.
SW, Carson appears again, spinning very slowly and whispering incoherently about climber comprehension and pay rate.
Hartzell flies out from the music in the shape of a bird of prey. When he gets to the end of his swing he pinches his descender and swoops down on the unsuspecting Carson, gathering him up in his wingspan. They both disappear with a muffled, “Awk!”
Amo appears in the NE corner spinning madly like a top. Clipped in directly below him is Oyzon, still smiling and spinning slowly in the opposite direction.
Veronica appears in complete maternity harness and swims gracefully across the center, S to N. On the way back she gives birth.
Now Beach balls bounce about on the ceiling randomly hitting the performers.
The audience gasps in wonder.
Freddy appears in the SW corner and attempts to spin. He lies motionless at the end of his rope like a dead fish.
NE, Amo and Oyzon lock legs and reverse their spin.
Oyzon laughs once.
And smiles.

Harrison Ford appears on the ceiling, being chased by a big round boulder. He stops, adjusts his hat and blows a kiss to Abby and then disappears under the boulder.
SW, Freddy, still lying like a dead fish at the end of his rope, kisses for help. Carlos reaches out and smacks him. Freddy whimpers. And spins.
NW Oyzon smiles. And disappears with Amo in tow.
Fabio appears on top of the boulder and rolls around on it before he disappears wearing harrison’s hat.
SW, Freddy is pulled in toward the boards but he is still smarting from Carlos’ blow and he smacks into them with a thump.
Smoke fills the ceiling, looking like waves covering the performers.
George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, in the audience watching, have flashbacks and begin to put on life preservers and shout at everyone to, “Batten the hatches” like they know what a hatch is.
They leave.
Trevor sails a small boat across the ceiling with Leo strapped to the front and, in a small voice, says, “King of the world, my ass!” The boat reaches the end of the ceiling and falls into the audience.
Hallie appears in the NW corner, gliding smoothly and singing softly in her punk rock voice, “…marry your mom and be your dad.”
Kira appears in the SE corner and flies at an odd angle in a straight line.
Globes roll across the ceiling in varying patterns.
The audience “Aahhhs.”
Abby glides across S to N wearing white lycra and a white coat and performs selectedmoves from her fifteen-minute aerobic workout video, now available at finer fitness centers and at HotNurseFreeman.com
Mike flies out on the SW corner, arms akimbo and does five original jumping jacks on the way back.
Amo appears, NE, and flies around making forlorn motorcycle sounds and wearing his helmet.
Jason pedals across the ceiling from the music to the canvas and appears to be riding a stationary bike on the way back.
NW, Hallie whips the ceiling with her hair. In her silhouette you can make out her spiked collar and leash.
SE, Kira, still flying in a straight line, hears a car drive by outside playing a house tune. She says, “Oohhh, that’s my jam, kid! She starts to shake her booty, fiercely.
Marlyn flies overhear, S to N and, not wanting to miss a good chance to show her stuff, shakes her groove thing along with Kira.
NW, Hallie now whips her hair, which is tied in a ponytail with a spike at the end, at the crewmember pulling her rope. There is a loud yelp and Hallie spins in larger circles.
Carson zips out towards the canvas mumbling incoherently in French. He zigzags back toward the music a la a flying fish.
East, Amo and Kira fly out toward each other and, both having pushed off too hard, 69 instead of kiss.
The audience “WOW’s”
SW, Mike flies out in a cartwheel flip. Not knowing the strength of his own powerful legs, he also has pushed off too hard and his rope wraps around Hallie’s, who whips him with her hair spike.
Marlyn floats across the middle, still dancing. She floats back S doing the Macarana.
E Amo and Kira are still in position. Amo’s leg twitches. Twice.
Above the music Hartzell prepares for his shadow. Trevor, seeing the mass of bodies tied up in the center, waves at Hartzell not to go. Hartzell, being the “New Guy” thinks that is his cue to go and zooms out, narrowly missing Kira and Amo, E, and landing squarely on Mike and Hallie, W. Hallie whips him her hair spike. Mike and Hallie begin to untangle. Hartzell climbs on top of them and leaps off the instant they separate. Hallie lights gracefully on the boards, NW. Mike lands not so gracefully on his head, SW. However, it being his head, he is OK.
Hartzell triumphantly beams as he glides back toward the music until he slams into Kira and Amo, giving Kira a black eye. Hartzell climbs on top of them and leaps for the music platform. Trevor laughs as Hartzell misses the platform with his hands and hits it with his forehead.
Merlin swings out from the bars and rescues him with a Toe Grab, hauling him in with ease.

Papel II

The performers climb limply over the boards and disappear.
Small droplets of paint begin to drip onto the ceiling. Patterns begin to form. The big dipper appears. Orion appears. The Milky Way appears. Haley’s comet races across the sky. It makes you feel small in the grand scheme of things. Four couples begin to make out in the back. Clay scampers across the ceiling and quickly etches the Villa Villa man on the entire ceiling.
The lights go out. The ceiling glows, as do Clay’s feet on which are written, “I” on the left one and “Quit” on the right. He walks off.
The audience, “Woohoo’s” and applauds. Two people exclaim, “I don’t get it.”
Jason, wearing Carson’s blue suit, flies out W. spread eagle style, and squirms back toward the music. Carson, however, is waiting for him on the music platform. Jason pulls a fakie and heads back out towards the canvas.
SW, Freddy farts again and propels himself on his back out towards the center. TA, who is pulling his rope, passes out from the fumes. Freddy meets Jason in the center and instinctively grabs hold of Jason by the ass and kisses him full on the mouth. Jason lets out a low moan and flies limply back toward the music. Freddy disappears with a whimper.
Rose, who got mad at Kira’s crewmember for flying her in a straight line, enters SE and propels herself in wide arcs while her guide rope trails uselessly behind her. Her crewmember limps weakly downstairs.
NE, Amo frogs out towards Rose. Ryan, who has been watching from the music platform and saw what he did to Kira, dives toward him and lands on top of Amo and, using him like a skateboard, glides around the ceiling.
Hallie, on a gentle arc around the NW side performs a small punk-rock head bang and gets her hair spike stuck in the boards. She dangles from her spike listlessly.
Amanda, seeing all the commotion going on in the middle, swings in and plays Samurai referee.
NW, Angela climbs out on the boards and unclips Hallie, who still dangles from her hair spike.
Angela glides in small clockwise circles, her hair moves in an agenda all it’s own.
NE, Oyzon, eyes closed, meditating fiercely, glides out over the paper without the aid of harness or rope. He is completely centered and appears to be at peace with the world he is in. He flows smoothly past Ryan who, still riding Amo like a champ, ollies up and over the boards. Oyzon floats toward the SE cornerwhere Brooke has been hanging and painting her toenails with xylem. Brooke starts, amazed, and paints her whole foot.
Oyzon continues West along the boards.
James, seeing Oyzon, throws ping-pong balls at him but they miraculously repel back at him and one of them gets lodged up his nose.
Hartzell, watching from the side, says, “An easier way to levitate meditationally would be in the lotus position. Like this.” He falls backwards down the ladder.
Jason and Carson, who is chasing Jason and his blue suit, stop dead in their tracks to laugh at Hartzell. They notice Oyzon in his Zen flight. Jason lets out a subconscious, “Johnny O!” Carson says, “I taught him that.” They stare incredulously.
Carlos, who is sitting on the pipes above Jason and Carson, turns to see what they are looking at. He spies Oyzon and says, “Oh shit!” and falls off the pipes landing on both Carson and Jason. The three of them get up and Carlos pulls a blunt out of his hair and they all puff nugs, staring at Oyzon in wide-eyed wonderment.
The entire crew and climbers, smelling the herbaceous J, all leave their posts and join Carlos, Jason and Carson.
Carlos pulls another spliff out of his hair and lights up for the new group gathered.
Brenden comes over and begins to inquire about what is going on. Carlos pulls out another personal bud for Brenden and he quiets up.
Janie, Audrey and Delphine, using their women’s intuition, arrive on the scene and enjoy.
The smoke from the gathering starts billowing out onto the ceiling.
SW, Freddy, stuck on the end of his rope with no climber, frantically makes kissing noises for attention. Amanda swings over and gives him a roundhouse to the midsection propelling Freddy over to the boards.
W. Oyzon floats on, still in his own world.
Some of the more adventurous audience members, seeing the clear sign of weed, i.e. the smoke and the red light, climb up the ladder and join the party. Carlos procures three more joints from his hair.
Ryan appears in a cloud of smoke in his Cap’n-Nug-Puff outfit complete with gold-plated torch/lighter/bong and combination boot/seeder/roller and Ganja-Jammies and proceeds to inhale all the second hand smoke for a huge toke.
Monica hurries over and exclaims in her broken Spanish/English that only Brenden understands that the show must continue and this is a fire hazard and where did all these people come from and this is illegal and-
Pacile shoves a bong in her face. Her color changes, and she subsides.
The crowd has now grown quite large and Carlos’ hair has grown quite small as he keeps dishing out the smoke.
Joanne is seen on the top of the pipes holding a huge bong and keeping Freddy at bay while she puffs away.
Big Hank is seen in the corner hogging a roach with Peter.
T.A. and Kira are seen sharing a glass dick bong.
Jason and Carson giggle like schoolgirls as they exchange clothes.
Carlos puffs on a Cheech-and-Chong sized blunt while James hovers around him waiting his turn.
The entire London cast begin passing around mirrors and rolled bills for the powder.
W Oyzon floats.
NW Hallie hangs by her hair-spike.
N Hartzell waits patiently on the opposite side of the boards writing in his notebook.
Carlos’ hair dwindles down to a small set of dreads on top of his head and the audience returns back downstairs.
The crew return to their positions.
Monica lies limp on the floor in a daze.
Chris enters, having run over to Food Emporium for munchies. His arms are loaded with Frito-Lay goodness. He stumbles up the ladder with his booty and passes out the nosh.
James grabs a jumbo-sized bag of Chee-Z-Poofs and scampers into the corner. Chris starts the music and the show resumes amid muffling crunching and crinkling cellophane sounds.
Oyzon, who has still been floating about, oblivious to all, glides past Kira. Kira says, “Ohh, I’m feelin’ that kid!” She falls to the floor in a purple haze next to Monica.
Jason and Carson resume their chase around the boards.
Amanda, seeing them disturb the vibe of the show, swings over to where they are running and deftly delivers two swift kicks to their head.
Jason goes down.
Carson laughs.
Twice.
NW, Angela’s hair, mesmerized by Oyzon, begins to dance like a charmed snake. Angela freaks and passes out.
Amanda swoops out and kicks her up and over the boards.
Amo and Hartzell raise their arms in Field Goal Position.
Mike flies out toward the canvas blowing smoke rings. On the way back, Amanda smacks him on the ass, hard, five times. Mike says, “Oh God! Oh God!” His legs twitch repeatedly. Mike fails to grab the pipes at the music, (On purpose?), and he heads out to Amanda for another beating.
The music subsides and the mood becomes mellow.
All the cast members disappear.
Except Oyzon who, in his own world having gained a new level of personal understanding and conciousness, is still floating around. The cast makes whistling and kissing noises at him to no avail. He is at the brink of reaching mental and spiritual omnipotence. A flood of wisdom and visceral knowledge begin to permeate his realm. True meaning and enlightenment is entering his being when Amanda swings out and kicks him over into Hank’s chair. The enlightenment vanishes, lost forever, and Oyzon returns.

Balloons I

The “Balloons” music starts.

James, sitting on top of the pipes, struggles to untie the balloons bag.
Amo, hearing his cue, swings out on a low arc toward Freddy who is talking on his cell phone to his agent discussing how his contract can be amended so that he can’t be fired for promiscuity.
Amo, having set his mark too low because there was no tape on the rope, drags his arm and shoulder on the paper. He yelps twice in slight aggravation and adjusts his height on the fly.
James still struggles with the balloon bag tie.
Amo swings back and forth in empty space, his hand dragging the paper each time in a ghostly limp fashion.
James shoves his whole arm into the bag in an attempt to loosen the tie.
Amo swings out towards Freddy who pauses in his conversation long enough to say, “Uno Mas” and then resumes talking.
Carlos figures he will give James a hand and pulls lightly on the balloons rope. Not knowing his own strength, Carlos pulls James completely off the pipes and swings him out over the audience.
James looks strangely like Curious George hanging on to a big bunch of balloons and floating away.
Hank, still toking on a thinny, guffaws loudly.
Monica stirs, rises, and, seeing James hanging onto the balloons bag swinging wildly over the audience, passes out again.
Amo is on his arc toward Freddy and just as he reaches the end of his swing, James finally gets his arm loose from the bag and falls. Amo and Freddy reach out for each other and James lands in their arms. They both freak and toss him over their shoulder. James lands on the paper ceiling with a “thwap”.
James stands on the paper ceiling and begins walking dizzyingly about.
Amanda, feeling weird about having a crewmember walking about on the paper, swoops out and gives James a swift boot, sending James flying.
This sends the climbers into action.
Tincho, seeing James in flight, scampers up the truss and dangles from the Jinetes ropes.
Merlin reaches into his chalk bag, dons a sufficient amount, claps his hands in anticipation and flips upside-down onto the bars near the music. Tincho grabs James, who mutters incoherently about his manhood, and swings him twice hard, letting him go toward the canvas.
Merlin begins to swing.
James spins once and lands squarely on the canvas spread eagle fashion.
Merlin swings out.
The canvas, still tight in preparation for Maracana, accepts James into the blue padding and then propels him full force out over the crowd.
Merlin swings back.
James wobbles out from the canvas awkwardly.
Tincho reaches down and gently taps James on his left shoulder and James’ flight adjusts to a straight path. James goes into a tight ball.
Freddy, mouth agape, drops his phone.
Amo, reaching for Freddy on his swing out, grabs the phone. Freddy’s agent still yammers on. Amo hangs up and tosses the phone to Jason who dials his mother.
Merlin swings out.
James speeds towards the music hitting Amanda who was on her return flight. The impact sends her into a dizzying spin.
James’ trajectory drops dramatically.
Merlin swings back.
James bounces into the balloons bag and it bursts with authority sending balloons everywhere.
James un-tucks and goes into a full layout position.
Amo flips upside down and James lands squarely on Amo’s feet. Amo propels him up and out toward the music.
James twists twice and sucks his thumb.
Merlin swings out and catches James by the wrists and swings him back in. There is not enough height between the pipes and the boards and James’ face lands squarely on the boards with a loud, “smack”.
James goes limp.
The audience, “Ooooo’s”
Merlin pulls James inside.
Tincho slides down amanda’s rope as it spins wildly out of control. He hooks his feet into her armpits and climbs the rope back up to the truss carrying her behind him. He reaches the top and “monkey-bars” it back to the boards, dropping Amanda in a heap on top of Kira who is still, “Feelin’ it, kid!”
Small airplanes glide around the ceiling.
Oyzon enters NE having regained his Chi and grabs Amo by the ankles, pulls off his shoe and begins using it as a phone. Evidently his Chi is back but his senses are still out to lunch.
Amo slides over to Angela who is doing her Radu video workout on the end of her rope. Amo grabs her and they giggle like small children.
Freddy, lying motionless at the end of his rope kisses for attention. T.A. appears. His hair s parted oddly in the center. He gives Freddy a toothy smile and shoves a butt-plug into Freddy’s ass. T.A. walks away.
Helicopters and tiny Etch-a-sketch’s bound onto the ceiling.
Brooke stands on the boards SE and prepares to catch Amo who swings her way in a fetal position. Brooke pushes off only to find that her crewmember was not ready yet and he holds her fast to the boards. Amo swings past looking at her in confusion.
Amo grabs his shoe back from Oyzon who is having a conversation with a beach ball.
Angela swings out in a wide arc and grabs Freddy. Freddy tries to kiss her. She beats him with a group of balloons. Amo glides silently by, watching with amusement as Angela dishes out the Whoop-ass.
Foursquare balls and Hula hoops roll across the ceiling.
Amo swings over to Brooke and reaches out to her. Brooke extends her arm out but sticks to the boards again, not moving.
Amo moves over to Oyzon who has started to remove his clothing and doesn’t notice Amo.
Amo looks to Angela for a catch. Angela, now with two groups of balloons, swings over and reaches for Amo but her crewmember changes her direction and Amo swings on.
Freddy reaches out his hands to grab Amo but pulls away and grabs his stomach in pain and winces. Amo swings over to Brooke.
Jacks are strewn randomly about the ceiling.
Brooke is jumping about furiously, trying to escape the boards. She screams invectives at her crewmember and pulls at her rope to no avail. She reaches her hand out to Amo and their fingers touch . . .but nothing more.
Amo’s circles get smaller.
Carson whistles to get Oyzon’s attention. Oyzon barks, shakes his leg and scratches.
Amo swings toward Angela, who has gathered all four bunches of balloons. Amo kisses for her attention so that they can catch. Angela, impeded by the balloons searches frantically about for Amo. Amo slams into Angela, or rather into balloons Angela is holding and bounces into the air landing on Freddy. Freddy winces and his eyes begin to water. His face darkens slightly. Amo slides off and he circles the center of the paper/ceiling.
Candyland and Chutes-and-Ladders boards slide about the ceiling.
Brooke is seen bitch-slapping her crewmember.
Oyzon chases his tail.
Angela, the four sets of balloons now attached to her hair, spins limply.
Freddy’s face has begun to redden, a pool of tears appears below his head.
Amo still circles the center of the paper/ceiling just out of reach of the tape handles.
Small helicopters and discarded Cabbage Patch Kids rain from above.
Jason shouts to all the performers trying to get them to move the balloons, “Globos, chicos, globos. Balloons, you idiot, balloons, balls, bouncy, bouncy. Poolballs, rack ‘em up. Roll over. A-hey-hee. Man the bowling pins. Boing, boing, boing!”
Everyone stops what they are doing and stares at him. Seconds pass. Everyone resumes his or her actions.
E-Z Bake Ovens and Snoopy Sno-cone machines descend onto the ceiling.
Amo manages to reach the tape handles and finds them glued flat to the surface. He spins around them in frustration, occasionally poking at the ceiling.

Freddy’s butt has begun to expand.
Oyson’s fury subsides. He drools a little.
Angela floats in oblivion.
Frogs splat on the ceiling grotesquely.
Brooke, finally free of her crewmember’s restraints, swings out and flaps her arms about in celebration. She sees Oyzon limply hanging around. Brooke, still fresh from the bout with her crewmember, whips Oyzon across the face three times, hard. Oyzons eyes come to life and sparkle. He whips her back twice with his left hand. Her eyes sparkle. They kiss passionately. All is right with Johnnie O.
Carson rides across the ceiling on a big wheel.
Marlyn skips rope behind him pulling Mike sitting on a Sit-N-Spin going, “Wheee. Again. Again.” Followed by Abby hopping on a Pogo stick. Hartzell plays twister with himself.
Furby’s enter from the NE corner.
Tickle-Me-Elmo’s enter SW.
Pokemon charge on NW.
Richard Pryor, dressed as “The Toy” enters SE looking confused. He wanders to the center and looks around.
They all charge each other and a Battle-Royale ensues.
Rock-em’ Sock-em’ Robots beat the snot out of Barbie, Ken and Skipper with a Slinky.
Beanie Babies melt Army Men while Pound Puppies watch amusedly.
Stretch Armstrong whollops G.I. Joe with Silly Putty.
Shrink-A-Dinks use a Light Brite as a battering ram on Barrel-O-Monkeys.
Richard Pryor escapes on a Wonder Wheel.
Amo, stuck in the middle of the melee, screams for help.
Trevor rises on top of the music platform and says in a high falsetto, “Aaaaaa-aaahhhhh. Come to me my little friends. Come to your savior.” The toys flock to him from all corners of the ceiling and disappear into his magical Cello case leaving; Amo, flat on his back in the middle of the ceiling with a piece of a Tickle-Me-Elmo sticking out of his mouth, Brooke and Oyzon with their ropes tangled wildly about each other, Angela stuck with four sets of deflated balloons attached to her face, and Freddy with his ass twice its normal size and his face bright red.

Balloons II

The music changes. A low steady beat, slightly off the cuff.
Amo rolls off his back and, not having the tape handles to lift the ceiling, drums on it with his fingers. He pokes at it with his hand. It doesn’t break. He prods at it with a helicopter. Nothing.
Freddy doubles over in obvious pain and rises out of sight.
Oyzon and Brooke untangle their ropes and adjust their clothes.
Amo grabs a crampon and beats at the ceiling. Nothing happens.
Freddy descends toward the ceiling with his arms stretched over his head. He reaches the ceiling and crumples in a heap on top of it. His rope coils around him.
T.A. laughs.
Oyzon rises above the ceiling. Tor scampers up the truss and tosses Oyzon an ice pick. Oyzon descends, his weapon at the ready. He stops, his face inches from the ceiling, and hacks at it furiously. Nothing happens.
Freddy, still doubled over, his face the color of “Red Tail” carpet, rises again. The rope wraps around his wrists and one ankle. He starts to shake.
Amo unclips and stomps around the center of the ceiling.
Hartzell and Mike all scamper out and all three perform a triple time step.
Monica comes to and pulls herself up using the boards. She stares at the show, seeing; Freddy Hog tied and hanging above ceiling; Brooke and Oyzon casually reclining together and on the ceiling, smoking a cigarette; Mike, Hartzell, Amo and Hallie performing H.M.S. Pinafore on the middle of the ceiling; and Angela, who rises in front of her with the deflated balloons dancing snakelike around her head. The image is too much for Monica and she collapses again.
Freddy begins to descend toward the ceiling still shaking. The veins in his neck are standing out and his eyes roll back in his head
Amo is doing back flips over the center of the ceiling.
Oyzon is doing a stomp routine over the NE hole.
Angela, her limbs extended fully, spins over the NW hole.
Brooke is finishing off the cigarette over the SE hole.
Freddy nears the paper/ceiling.

A rumbling is heard. All turn toward Freddy. The rumbling grows louder. The audience begins to stir. The rumbling drowns out the music. Freddy’s eyes bulge. The performers all freeze. Freddy convulses twice and lets out a sonic Butt-blast. The butt-plug bullets out of his ass and bursts through the paper. Six audience members directly underneath Freddy immediately pass out. The paper begins to rise, pushed up by Freddy’s hot air. Eight more people in the vicinity of Freddy pass out including Rose who was preparing for rescue.
Amo is now using the bulge in the center as a trampoline.
Twelve more people succumb to the fumes. It is turning into an epidemic.
Brooke finishes the cigarette and drops it towards the paper. The instant the cigarette touches the paper a loud “Foomf” is heard as all four holes in the paper dissolve in a puff of fire. The center hole bursts and propels Amo up into the truss.
Freddy’s clothes dissolve instantly leaving him completely hairless save for a spot on his ass that reads, “Alli lives here” in tufts of hair.
Remarkably the fire dissipates and the rest of the ceiling is left intact. Smoke now billows around the ceiling in colored patterns.
Oyzon, his white suit now black, the ends of his hair charred to match his psyche, pops through the paper with the look of a dazed stoner on a three day binge who has just found out that he has been smoking dogshit. Oyzon rotates once and disappears.
Angela pokes her head out the NW hole. She is a few shades darker. Melted balloons drip from her hair onto the floor.
Out of the SW hole, Ryan’s head appears. He swivels around rapidly from side to side, scanning the audience. Ryan’s shoulders and torso appear followed by his legs and feet, which he has hooked onto Freddy’s ass-hair by the toes. Ryan momentarily disappears into the audience, returning seconds later with the limp form of Rose in his arms. They disappear.
Brooke sticks her head through the SE hole and looks at the charred paper, the dazed audience, and a now-bald Don King and says, “Oops! Did I do that? Sorry!” She slowly rises.
The music changes again. Something with a heavy base line.
An argument floats down from above. Carson and Abby are having an argument about whether or not the ceiling will rip. The audience hears bits and pieces of the argument amidst the music.
“…it is not going to move!”
“You’re not the one who…”
“I don’t think that’s your…”
“Ok, Mr. Man, you give it a try!”
There is a small shout and Carson’s shadow appears, spread eagled over the paper.
“Clear”
The audience under Carson’s shadow parts as he bursts through the paper and lands squarely on the floor below without a sound.
Everyone stares at him for a moment. He doesn’t move.
Abby is seen through the hole Carson has made shrugging her shoulders and clipping in. Carson, without moving, in a small voice of wonder, says, “What do you know, it ripped.”
Mike immediately zips overhead, tearing through the paper from S to N. Toys, small silver balls, and random paraphernalia reign down on the audience. Alec Baldwin gets hit in the head by a bowling ball. He laughs once and crumples to the floor.
Mike climbs the N boards, turns and faces the audience. He sees Casey clad only in bubble wrap standing underneath him. He shouts, “Dude! . . . Dude!”
He dives at her. He reaches down and pops two of her bubbles.
Hallie dives through the paper. She wears a T-shirt that says, “Anal Death Probe.” She gives the audience an anarchist finger sign and rips the paper all the way across. She climbs to the top of the bars and turns to stare at the audience, unmoving.
Abby swings across near the music. She is still laughing at Carson who has not moved. She bounces back and forth laughing to herself the whole time.
Jason’s arm appears in the paper, NW. It crosses from N to S.
Mike bounces back and forth twice, each time popping a piece of Casey’s “outfit.”
Hallie spots “her boy” Bryce in the audience and wiggles her knees from side to side and points at him. She swan dives at him. Bryce smirks.
Jason reaches the boards and begins to climb to the top of the pipes. Halfway up he turns and looks down. He feels his ribs, smirks and thinks better of it and climbs back down.
Abby, still giggling, now fails to reach the boards and just circles the center in a ball of laughter.
Jason dive/falls at the audience and gets a piece of tape wrapped around his ankle. The tape trails off into the audience.
Mike, who has been continually bouncing back and forth popping pieces of Casey’s dress, or lack thereof, begins to ellipse.

Hallie climbs the pipes and rips off her T-shirt and hurls it at the audience. Underneath she wears a “Punk Pussies Galore” T-shirt. She jumps feet first at the audience.
Jason reaches the boards and reaches out for them with determination. His fingers brush the pipes, his eyes get real big and he starts to swing to the other side.
Mike’s ellipse grows. He brushes against Abby in her circle, who stops giggling long enough to glare at Mike. They have a moment and then they both burst into gales of laughter.
Jason crosses over the audience’s head, hitting people in the face with his tape/tail. Freddy is standing directly in Jason’s path and has been laughing at him the whole time. Jason gives him that “Slo-Vak” look and Freddy reaches a hand out to help him.
Merlin shouts, “Nnnnooooo!”
Miraculously, they catch on a fingertip grab and hold on. Un-miraculously, Freddy comes up over the boards and clings to Jason as they swing out over the audience.

Mike, who has Casey only wearing three, strategically placed bubbles, now slightly clips Hallie. Hallie takes off her shirt and wraps it around Mike’s head. Underneath her shirt has Josie and the Pussycats dressed in Michael Jackson’s Thriller outfits doing the Macarena.
The climbers all flock toward rotura line 4 and watch as Jason and Freddy swing just out of reach of either side.
Carson gets to his feet and gets Jason’s tape/tail in his face. Carson grabs it and gives it a tug. Freddy and Jason begin to circle.
Mike, by now on the patented Hollick ellipse, crashes into Abby who grabs his ankles for protection. They both swing out toward Hallie.
Hallie swims frantically, trying to get away from the Hollick-Freeman Swoosh-ellipse. She makes remarkable progress. She resembles a trout swimming upstream to spawn. However she succumbs to the power of the ellipse and Mike grabs Hallie’s nipple ring for protection.
Jason and Freddy, now used to the idea of their predicament, are slapping each others ass and yelling at the audience.
Jason’s eyes suddenly get even bigger as they approach the Hollick-Freeman-Bulleit Swing-swoosh-ellipse. Jason, momentarily thinking it is Bollo instead of Rotura, plants both his feet firmly on the faces of Hallie and Abby and pushes off sending him and Freddy toward the canvas. Jason turns around just in time to put his face through the wall of paper, W. Freddy flails wildly and the entire wall of paper comes down on top of him and Jason.
Carson, still holding on to the tape-tail, wraps it around his hand for a better grip and gives it another pull.
Jason and Freddy, now appearing as a huge paper ball-kite, swing wildly about as Carson plays with his new toy.
The Hollick-Freeman-Bulleit tornado is no match for the Bosche-Novac paper ball-kite and it disappears underneath.
Carson now wields the ball of flailing Rotura like a yo-yo. It swings to and fro and all of a sudden Carson, too is taken over by its power and is lifted off his feet and drug through the audience.
Janie rushes through the crowd carrying Tor’s juggling pins yelling, “Piñata! Piñata!” She quickly passes out the pins and begins whacking Carson with gusto, encouraging others to follow suit. Audrey is seen enthusiastically joining in.
The Rotura clump breaks up and Freddy and Jason spring over the pipes SW.
Mike and Abbey hit the boards, SE.
Hallie lands on top of Monica.
Carson is flung, full force (with a little help from a good whack by Janie) against the canvas. He slowly slides down the canvas and when he reaches the bottom the music changes to a heavy drum beat.

Maracana, Bollo I

Amanda and Kira race from S to N stepping on Carson as they leap into the air. They rise, turn horizontal and continue running. They reach the N edge of the canvas and Kira turns and begins running S. Amanda powers over the N edge and floats in the space beyond for a moment. She turns and begins her return trip.
Kira is chugging away and is almost at the peak of her pendulum. She begins to turn. Amanda, charging full speed at Kira, sees her coming and attempts to put on the brakes by planting both feet firmly on the canvas. It doesn’t work and she goes face first on the canvas.
Kira runs straight over Amanda and continues N.
Amanda pushes off the canvas and heads N after Kira.
Kira reaches her apex and turns S.
Amanda power slides underneath her, turns and follows her again.
Kira stops in the middle of the canvas thinking to wait for Amanda but Amanda was faster than she thought and Kira leaps into the air as Amanda zooms underneath. Amanda reaches the S side and is about to turn when her head comes into contact with the pipes holding up the Jinetes platform. The pipe bends sufficiently and Amanda gives it a cursory glance and runs under Kira again. Kira lands and runs after her.
They both descend back to the ground but they forget to transfer back to vertical and butt-slide to a stop.
The music subsides to a dull roar.
Immediately Trevor, Chris and Emile pop out over the boards near the music, all three clipped into Chris’ desk. They blow bubbles out over the audience.
Collin, Peter and James appear over the S boards. All three are clipped in to Greg who stands behind them smiling lightly. They all jump up and down in unison.

Carlos, Brenden and Hank toss Monica over the N boards and dangle her form a bungee.
The audience laughs.
The music changes to a drum-and-bass beat with the sound of a cheering crowd thrown in.
Brooke races across the bottom of the canvas. She steps on Carson and leaps into the air, turning horizontal and running S. As she is running, she looks into the audience and winks. She reaches the S edge and starts N again as Kira races underneath her and slightly behind. Kira steps on Carson and leaps up after Brooke. Their ropes become level and they turn S. This time Kira stares into the audience and give the entire crowd some tongue action. They reach the apex and turn N. Rose appears underneath and just behind Kira pushing off Carson and coming up to join them. All three turn and head S. Rose gives the audience an infectious smile and the whole audience smiles back. On the next pass Amanda appears at the bottom under and just behind Rose. She plants both feet firmly on Carson’s chest and leaps up after Rose. They all turn in unison and head S. Amanda gives her wild red mane a sultry toss as she crosses the middle. They race back and forth along the canvas while the people hanging over the boards all act like they belong in an asylum except Monica who hangs limp at the end of her Bungee.

The music suddenly stops and a blackout occurs. There is a second of silence and then the audience erupts into cheers. The dogpound breaks into an Arsenio Hall “Whoo whoo whoo!” chant.
Wind, smoke and swirling lights gradually invade the darkness. Whispers are heard around the theatre. Hank whistles and the entire crew appears all over the boards with Super-soakers and they begin to hose down the audience.
Lightening flashes.
Thunder rolls.
Minutes pass.
Someone yells, “Bollo”
Jason, Amanda and Angela appear swinging over the audience’s head from S to N. Amanda looks flushed, Angela looks confused and Jason looks like a lost child. They reach the N side and Merlin yells, “Saaaa!”
Lightning flashes and they are joined by Carson, Abby and Hartzell. Abby looks fresh, Carson looks dazed and Hartzell looks around.
Jason grabs Hartzell and says, “What are you doing here? Shouldn’t you come out on the next pass? I haven’t finished acting the first pass yet and there is some good swing time I am missing.” Hartzell shrugs and says, “Merlin said ‘Saaaa’!”
The clump swings S in a mass of arms and faces.
Carson pushes out and gives T.A. a high five.
The clump swings N.
Jason pushes off and “gives face” to the crowd below.
The clump swings S.
Angela and Amanda curl into the fetal position with their hands over their heads for protection against Jason.

A voice yells, “Sobee!”
Hartzell, Carson and Abby rise.
Jason, Angela and Amanda lower.
Merlin yells, “Shit.”
Tor yells, “ShitChrist”
Jason, Angela and Amanda rise to meet the other three.
The two clumps collide. Jason, on the outside, free from the impact, grabs his “rib”.
Hartzell ends up underneath the pile. Carson steps on his face. Abby adjusts her panties.
Someone yells, “Desee!”
Abby, Carson and Hartzell drop.
Jason, Amanda and Angela rise into the truss.
Merlin yells, “Saa!”
T.A. yells, “Daaa!”
Angela’s hair gets caught in a pulley. Half her weave comes out.
The clumps come together again. Jason grabs his “rib”
The crowd, at first shocked and horrified that all these limbs and bodies come rushing at them, now tries to embrace them reaching their arms up to grab the performers. Some of the crowd tries a little to zealously, grabbing onto Abby. Some of them begin to rise off the floor. Amanda spins over and gives them a swift kick to the midsection and they drop off into the floor with a groan.
The clump floats back and forth over the audience’s head. Carson slaps high fives to the audience and even signs an autograph or two.
Someone yells, “Sobee!”
Carson, Hartzell and Abby rise.
Jason, Amanda and Angela drop to the floor. The crowd topples over like dominoes.
Merlin yells, “Whaa?”
Pacile yells, “Ha Ha!”
Angela starts mingling with the crowd.
Amanda stands and stares down the audience.
Jason grabs his “rib”.
Above their head Carson palms Hartzell’s head and spins 360 degrees.
Abby swings back and forth saying, “Wheee!”
Ryan runs over to Merlin and yells, “You’ve got the damn controls on backwards.”
Amanda, Angela and Jason begin to rise. Jason has a girl in his arms and a look of surprise on his face. Angela has a man’s shirt in her hands. The girl giggles and drops into the crowd.
The two clumps collide. Hartzell grabs Jason’s “rib”.
Carson has Angela by the throat and Abby by the ankle. He is smiling.
Jason begins running in midair, his arms and legs flailing wildly.
Carson grabs Hartzell by the wrist and Amanda by the breast. She growls. He lets go.
Jason begins jumping, pushing off the clump wherever his feet land. Everyone goes into fetal position to protect against him except for Amanda who gives him a gaze that freezes the blood in his veins. He grabs his “rib” and lies motionless.
“Desee!”

The clump drops at a high rate of speed toward the audience. The entire crowd hits a knee. The clump swoops overhead. Jason, still holding his “rib” and still motionless, lies on the bottom of the pile.
The audience reaches up to embrace the clump and begin grabbing Jason, gently at first as he swings by but gradually increasing in vigor, clawing at him. His clothes begin tearing. This throws the audience into a frenzy and in seconds Jason is stripped bare. At that moment the audience stops and backs away forming a circle around him. The clump drops to the ground. Carson immediately heads for the nearest breast and latches on to it not realizing it belongs to a large man.